Reader Submissions - Part Two!

Are You Smarter Than A Pre-schooler?

Which way is the bus below traveling? 

To the left or to the right?

Can't make up your mind?  Look carefully at the picture again.  Still don't know?

Pre-schoolers all over the United States were shown this picture and asked the same question. 90% of the pre-schooler's gave this answer.
"The bus is traveling to the left."
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling to the left?"
They answered: "Because you can't see the door to get on the bus."

How do you feel now ?

Spring is Popping Out Everywhere!

SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE

  Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
  She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
  She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
  As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
  'If that car starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

A Cannibal Walks into a Restaurant... 

  A  cannibal was walking through the jungle and  came upon a  restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat  hungry, he sat down and looked over the   menu....
+Tourist:                $5.00
+Broiled  Missionary:    $10.00
+Fried  Explorer:        $15.00
+Baked  Democrat or Grilled Republican:   $100.00

  The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,  "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
  The  waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so  full of shXX, it  takes all day!"

Mexican Words of the Day

1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese  in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get  in the car, there's not mushroom.
3.  *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. *Texas*
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where  I'm at!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered  pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6.  *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my  wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken* *wing*
My  wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11.  *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
12.  *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14.  *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

Surgeons

The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

 The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." 

 The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

 The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

  But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the aXX are interchangeable."

The Coat Hanger 

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

 She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

 The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this.."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.

   Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

 She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

 He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

 She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

 The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

 The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

 Is - GOD GOOD - or what?

The Newly Remodeled Bathroom

Give a whole new meaning to the term "Going On-Line" !

Argh!

Priceless!

Check out that facial expression on the little girl! 

  A  six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across  the street.   The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling  children, hid his smile behind his hand..   
'That's  a serious step,' he said.. 'Have you thought it out  completely?'    
'Yes,'  his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.  It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark..'
  'How about transportation?' the  father asked.
  'I have my wagon, and we both have our  tricycles,' the little boy answered.  
  The  boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
  Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked,  'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies,  you know.'
  'We've thought about that, too,'  the little boy replied.
'We're  not going to have babies.  Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!' 
 
 

   A  first grade girl handed in the drawing below for  a homework  assignment. After  it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the  following  note:
 
  Dear Ms. Davis , I want to  be very clear on my child's illustration. It is  NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip  joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent  snowstorm This drawing is of me selling a shovel. 
Mrs.  Harrington
 

The Blind Cowboy 

  An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
  After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
  The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
  In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
  1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
  2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
  3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
  4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight
lifter.
  5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
  Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.   Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
  The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

That Simple Explanation 

  Two blond girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then  moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
  An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
  The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'

THE ORIGINAL


 Ask the Indians what happens when you don't control immigration

Gotta Love Bubba!

  A redneck from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a Bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris on an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
  The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The redneck produced the title and everything checked Out. The loan
officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
  Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the redneck for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
  Two weeks later, the redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
  The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
  The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
  His name was BUBBA...

Menopause Jewelry 

  My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.
  Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb a$$.

The Test of Patience

  A Texas teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why.
  Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a glow. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." Sure enough, they were.
  It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
  He then announced, “These aren't my boots.”
  She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn't you say so,” like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
  No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, “They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.”
  Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.
  Helping him with his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”
  He said, “I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots so’s I wouldn’t lose ‘em.”
  She will be eligible for parole in three years.

The Power of a Badge...

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in South Dakota , and talks with an old rancher.  He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."  The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
  The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "
 The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
 A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...
  With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

" Your badge!  Show him your BADGE ! "

Ralph & Edna

  Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.  One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
  He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there..
  Edna promptly jumped in to save him.  She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.  When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
  When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love....  I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
  The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.  I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
  Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

WAL-MART SENIOR GREETER

  Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
  "Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
  ''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you’re coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
  ''They said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'''

What is Celibacy?

  Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I,listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
   He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
   I leaned over, touched my wife’s gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
   And thus began my life of celibacy...

Women are Cold Blooded

  A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
  In the third shop, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.  It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident, and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
  The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was, and she'd be there as soon as possible.  As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading
to the hospital.
  She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee, and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments ofthe last shop.  She was jubilant.
  Then she remembered her husband.  Feeling guilty, she dashed to thehospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor, and asked about her husband's condition.
  The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you!  I hope you're proud of yourself!  Whileyou were out for the past 4 hours
enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!
  It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take!  For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will NOW be your career!"
  The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
  The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought."