Reader Submissions - Part Two!
Oops!
Did I say that?
Who YOU Lookin' At?
*Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess*
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very naughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to
the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs, in New Orleans , please raise
your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1.Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
When Times Are Tough!
It's Nice to Share...
Some Women Are So Hard To Please
My Wife always wanted a riding lawn mower.
She works all day and was always tired when she came home from work and thought that a riding lawn mower would help her get the yard work done quicker so she would have more time for the chores inside the house.
SO, being the handy sort of guy that I am, I made her a riding lawn mower. I guess I thought she would squeal with delight or something and give me a big hug.
I'm now putting a new roof on my personal doghouse...and iIhave a riding lawn mower for sale!
A Simple Solution To An On-going Problem
Creative Political Statement
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on.
So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time. When he returned, he told God:
'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.' So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.Do you know what the e-mail said?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
Bacon Grease Warning!
There is nothing better to fry eggs, pop corn, season beans, or season cornbread. But I didn't know this can happen!
The question is: Do you use bacon grease?
We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood. I will never use it again. I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
I just threw out my last 2 tbs of bacon grease!!
This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease.
Bacon grease will make your feet shrink!
Warn everyone !!
At A Bar...
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,
"Listen here good looking, I 'do it' to anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, it doesn't matter to me. I just love it."
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds, "No kidding. I'm in Congress too. What state are you from?"
I NEED TO SEE ABOUT MY CAT
I went down this morning to sign my Dog up for welfare. At first the Lady said, Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare. So I explained to Her that my Dog is unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. So she looked in her policy book to See what it takes to qualify.
My Dog gets his first check next Friday !
Damn, is this a great country or what ??
The Man Scam
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, wearing low-cut skimpy T-shirts and Dazy-Duke short-shorts. (It's impossible not to look).
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start major flirting. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen Mar. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Apr. 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Costco, Etc.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them tobe on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
SOUTHERN CHARM
Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.
The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.
The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz..
Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried, "Oh, my God! What on earth for?"
The Southern lady responded, "Well for example, instead of saying "Who gives a x%#?" I learned to say, "Well, isn't that precious"....
Heavenly Bliss!
Quote the Cop!
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir?
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"
Honesty Isn't Always Best!
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he
laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
The Lie Detector
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.
The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair . . .
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
A Blonde Speaks Out!
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.
Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh(ipp) on your lap!"
FINALLY ...
Computer Language Written For All To Understand!
The Four Goldberg Brothers 
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show -- Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.
Man's Best Friends Meet
Called your house the other day and was told you were down at your favorite biker bar with your friends. I wasn't sure where that was, but was told I wouldn't have much trouble finding it. Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was...
There is nothing like the feel of the Sun on your face and the wind in your hair!
Score: Porcupine 1 - Pit Bull 0
A pit bull was in his backyard in southern California, minding his own business, when a porcupine invades his territory. The brave but stupid pit bull immediately challenges the porcupine!
Bad decision. .. . the porcupine won this short contest .
A vet sedated the dog and then removed a total of 1,347 quills. The dog survived and has, hopefully, learned a valuable lesson.
Now, tell me you had a bad day!!
Monday Morning for the Pharmacist
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology, Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
"And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
You Get What You Deserve...Priceless
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said,"I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks'pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Same Sex Marriage
Fred and Larry got married in California . They couldn't afford a honeymoon so, they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first married night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Larry are up yet. She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Larry up yet?'His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'
He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue.'
Know When to Throw in the Towel
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him..
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my a$$ to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'
We have four extra tickets for the Robbie Knievel (son of Evil Knievel) event next weekend at the Ford Center in Beaumont, Texas, if anybody wants them. Robbie is going to attempt a jump over hundreds of America's Federal, State and Local most worthless politicians with a Caterpillar D-9 bulldozer.
They expect a huge crowd. Should be a good time.
Another that escaped the Cash for Clunkers Program!
is 71 years old.
Today, if Dorothy were to encounter
Men with no brains, no hearts, and no courage -
She wouldn't be in Oz.....
She'd be in Congress!
Only in America!
This is India
* * *
It's where you call
when you have a technical problem
with your computer.
The Wise Old Cowboy
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it.
They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...Bob sat up and watched me all night."
Redneck Palm Pilot
The Lawn Mower
A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked thepreacher.
"I just want enough money to go out & buy me a bicycle", said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I am a minister, & I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."
Liver & Cheese
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'
'Oh, how childish,' said the Poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says 'How well can you do?'
'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the Golden Retriever.
'My, my,' said the Poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence.'
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the TacoBellChihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....
(ok this is good now scroll down)
Liver alone. Cheese mine.
An Oldie...But One All-Time Great!
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
How Do They Survive?
ONE
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.
'You don't?' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.
'So I can't order half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'
'That's right.'
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.
She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy'
(keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk...'
PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself!!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'
Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency!'
Drinking with a Redneck Girl
A Mexican, an Arab, and a Redneck Girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'
The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'
The Redneck Girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In America we have so many illegal aliens that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'
God Bless America
Come On...Coochee Coochee Me Again! I Dare ya!
A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
In These Tough Financial Times...
You just gotta make due with what you have!
Are You Smarter Than A Pre-schooler?
Which way is the bus below traveling?
To the left or to the right?
Can't make up your mind? Look carefully at the picture again. Still don't know?
Pre-schoolers all over the United States were shown this picture and asked the same question. 90% of the pre-schooler's gave this answer.
"The bus is traveling to the left."
When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling to the left?"
They answered: "Because you can't see the door to get on the bus."
How do you feel now ?
Spring is Popping Out Everywhere!
SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If that car starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
A Cannibal Walks into a Restaurant...
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....
+Tourist: $5.00
+Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+Fried Explorer: $15.00
+Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the Politicians?"
The waiter replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shXX, it takes all day!"
Mexican Words of the Day
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I shoulder.
4. *Texas*
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken* *wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey harassment nothing to me.
12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
Surgeons
The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the aXX are interchangeable."
The Coat Hanger
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her small daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this.."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motor cycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful. The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"
Is - GOD GOOD - or what?
The Newly Remodeled Bathroom
Give a whole new meaning to the term "Going On-Line" !
Argh!
Priceless!
Check out that facial expression on the little girl!
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand..
'That's a serious step,' he said.. 'Have you thought it out completely?'
'Yes,' his young son answered. 'We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark..'
'How about transportation?' the father asked.
'I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,' the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, 'What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know.'
'We've thought about that, too,' the little boy replied.
'We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!'
A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment. After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:
Dear Ms. Davis , I want to be very clear on my child's illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm This drawing is of me selling a shovel.
Mrs. Harrington
The Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight
lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
That Simple Explanation
Two blond girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
THE ORIGINAL
Ask the Indians what happens when you don't control immigration
Gotta Love Bubba!
A redneck from Sweetwater, Texas walked into a Bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris on an international redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The redneck produced the title and everything checked Out. The loan
officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the redneck for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a highly sophisticated investor and multimillionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. Your investments include a large number of wind turbines around Sweetwater, Texas. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The good 'ole Texas boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
His name was BUBBA...
Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big frickin red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond. Dumb a$$.
The Test of Patience
A Texas teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots. He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a glow. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." Sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.
He then announced, “These aren't my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn't you say so,” like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, “They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.”
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.
Helping him with his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots so’s I wouldn’t lose ‘em.”
She will be eligible for parole in three years.
The Power of a Badge...
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in South Dakota , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
" Your badge! Show him your BADGE ! "
Ralph & Edna
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there..
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
WAL-MART SENIOR GREETER
Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."
''Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though you’re coming in late. I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"
''They said, 'Good morning, Admiral, can I get you coffee, sir?'''
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I,listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife’s gently, and whispered, 'Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy...
Women are Cold Blooded
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop, and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third shop, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident, and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was, and she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading
to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee, and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments ofthe last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to thehospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor, and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! Whileyou were out for the past 4 hours
enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will NOW be your career!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought."
