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We All Remember That Moment...

When Times Get Tough ... Put On Those Big Girl Panties!

Truer Words Were Never Spoken!

Buy It Now  ... The Fountain of Youth!

These four older ladies who lived in Italy
always sat outside together near the church
and chatted about when they were younger.
One month ago they pooled their money together
and bought a laptop computer.
 

Never having been, but having heard all about Florida,
they just happened to click on St. Augustine , FL.
They read about the "Fountain of Youth" claimed by
the Spaniards when they arrived there.
They collected up all the money they had left and sent for four bottles of the water. As soon as it arrived,
they drank as directed.
The rest of this story will make you a believer, because
here they are today...

 

 
No ... this is TRUE! Really!
Would we lie to you?
We have a limited supply of this water available at an incredibly low price of just $1,499.95 a bottle.
Seriously ..

HURRY BEFORE THE INVENTORY RUNS OUT!!!

Make cheques payable to:
"Elect the Incumbents Committee"
 

(You can trust us,

we would NEVER lie to you!)

The Masses Gathered to Protest Global Warming!

Whoops! Hope all of Congress was in it!

Ain't he a cutie!

Check Your Shampoo Bottle Label

   
 
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!

Its the shampoo I use in the shower! 
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY! 
NO wonder I have been gaining weight!

Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead. Their label reads,  DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.  Problem Solved! 

If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!

The New Pistol
 
 

Ruger is coming out with a new pistol
in honor of
members of the United States Senate
and the House of Representatives.

It will be named the “Congressman”.

It doesn't work and you can't fire it.  
 
***

After Last Summer's Inflated Electric Bills,

We Have Been Forced To Conserve!

LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU!


PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"


CHILDREN'S SERMON
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE !! "


SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."


FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.

WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY I'M UNDER FIVE."
 

CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."

THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT," THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
 

THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL... HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.

I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "I REMEMBER!!"
 

GRANDMA'S AGE
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.

GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING." JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
 
About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.
 
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this) Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never  seen anything like this before."
 
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING
FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID...WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT...I'M GETTING A FAX!!